A noob’s trip to the grocery store aka Call of Duty: Modern Warfare
Warning: This post has generously indulged in the use of hyperbole for dramatic effect. Read at your own risk. And pliss don’t take too seriously.
Let me just start by saying that I know next to nothing about Call of Duty. Except that it exists and is presumably about advancing through unfamiliar territory while attempting to stay alive. So basically, indistinguishable, for someone like me, from a trip to Imtiaz store.
To be honest, I don’t usually venture into grocery shopping territory by myself. Having a husband who’s experienced in the art of virtual warfare (by virtue of being an avid video gamer), I prefer to put his skills to good use. Armed with our imaginary ammunition we make our way through the aisles, a two-person military unit, one navigating the shopping trolley with precision, the other providing cover while re-fuelling aka filling ‘er up with stuff.
On a certain fateful day, feeling braver than usual, and in the spirit of independence, I made the decision to go it alone. Much was learned within those few hours:
1. Aunties will not spare your lack of knowledge
If you don’t know your shit, prepare to become fodder for their amusement. Upon informing the guy at the meat counter that I was unsure whether the beef bone I was buying (for my mother, might I add) needed to be cut or not, I witnessed the aunty next to me burst out into peals of laughter. Attempting to hide my embarrassment, I considered delving into a long-drawn explanation about how this was my first time purchasing anything cow-related. But I decided against it.
Lesson: Do not let the enemy discover your weakness. Google that shit or make a call to mommy. But do not let them find the chink in your armour.
2. You snooze, you lose
Getting a good spot in the checkout line requires a tactical approach. Leaving your kid in line with the trolley while you complete the rest of your shopping might seem like a good enough idea. Until the kid wanders off, distracted by chocolate (who can blame him really?) and the woman behind you pushes in front.
Lesson: Good ideas can backfire if not properly executed.
3. Get yo’ head in the game
Buying groceries worth PKR 100,000 and then trying to pay with a card that doesn’t have enough of a credit limit? Don’t do it, man (is what I wish I could’ve said to the uncle in front of me).
Lesson: Be prepared for every eventuality or suffer the consequences (dirty looks and loud sighs, in this particular case).
4. Save the receipt
When you reach home after a 3-hour trip to discover that half of your stuff hasn’t arrived with you, don’t freak out. Cause at least you can go back and show your receipt and they’ll know you paid for it. Unless you didn’t think the receipt was important enough and left it behind in the trolley. In that case, prepare for some heated arguments and a pop quiz entitled “what was in the bags”. They’ll only give you your stuff if you pass.
Lesson: Even when you think it’s over, it’s not over.
The lessons don’t end here, but this post must in order to preserve my remaining sanity *insert upside down smiling emoji*. More for another time. Toodle-oo.